


i will learn to love the skies i'm under

by spinningincircles



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Eddie's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Few Weeks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:20:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24397213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spinningincircles/pseuds/spinningincircles
Summary: Eddie can’t focus on one good or bad thing long enough to pinpoint what exactly is making him feel like this. It just seems to be the general cloud of past traumas hanging over his brain, and it’s raining all the residual bad feelings down, and he doesn’t have an umbrella.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 271





	i will learn to love the skies i'm under

**Author's Note:**

> title from "hopeless wanderer" by mumford and sons

It’s been a minute since Eddie has been in such a bad mood.

A bad mood is annoying enough as it is, but this one in particular has been lurking for about a week too long, filtering into every part of his life so that he’s pissed from the minute he opens his eyes in the morning until he’s back in bed at night. 

The worst part of it all is that nothing even happened to set him off in the first place. Chris is back from camp, the 118 has been miraculously tragedy-free recently, he and Buck have even been able to work a few date nights into their endlessly busy schedules. Everything is objectively perfect for the first time in a long time.

But still, these past few days, the very act of being a human has taken so much _effort._

He smiles listening to Chris talk about the latest addition to his comic book collection, but he can feel that it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and he knows he missed a bit in the middle about some big twist when he zoned out to stare at nothing. It takes extra energy to make sure he’s focused during shift, so any socializing in between calls just feels draining. The jokes, the carefree laughs, it all slowly grates on him, his skin itching like it’s trying to slide off his bones. He tries, still, laughs at all the right places, but by the end of the day he’s retreating to the bunks between calls instead of the loft, blaming it on a migraine or sore back when he’s questioned.

He’d had his bi-weekly with Frank shortly after it started, but even he couldn’t offer much help.

“I can prescribe you something if this keeps going on and starts interfering with work or family. Otherwise, try and focus on the positives in your life. It’s easier said than done, but sometimes it makes all the difference.”

So he was trying. He went out for drinks with the team, played with Chris in the backyard, had movie nights, the whole shebang. But everything was just off — _he_ was off. And as much as he tried to act like he was fine, there was still that constant hum just under his skin, a constant reminder that his brain has decided _hey man, I know your life is all peaches and cream right now, but that doesn’t mean shit. We’re gonna focus on the bad things instead._

What bad things? Hell if Eddie knows. He can’t focus on one good or bad thing long enough to pinpoint what exactly is making him feel like this. It just seems to be the general cloud of past traumas hanging over his brain, and it’s raining all the residual bad feelings down, and he doesn’t have an umbrella.

He sets his coffee cup down hard (harder than he meant to, really) before sitting down at the table, earning identical eyebrow raises from Hen and Chimney. He sees them look at each other out of the corner of his eye before they turn to him, pushing MCAT practice books out of the way.

“Everything alright, Eddie?” Hen asks, maternal and receptive as ever.

“Fine,” he says tightly, and great, he’s snapping at people now. His energy is so depleted that he can’t even keep his people skills in check.

“We’re here if you need us, man,” Chim says with his reassuring smile. “We won’t even tell Buck about it if you don’t want us to.”

Eddie can’t help smiling at that, though it’s still small. He does want to talk to Buck about it all, of course he does. But Buck has been pulling extra shifts this past week while Ortiz is out with a busted ankle. They’ve barely had a conversation about what groceries to get let alone the fact that Eddie feels completely out of sorts, like he’s screwing up everything he’s normally good at and can’t figure out how to do it right again. And he knows Buck will help him, knows he would want to if he knew, but he keeps convincing himself that he can figure it out on his own, that Buck is so overworked now that he shouldn’t unload any more stress onto him. That, at least, he can still control.

He wishes his brain wasn’t so damn loud.

He sighs, scrubbing a hand across his face as Hen and Chim watch him with matching weariness. “I’m okay guys, I promise. Just been feeling a little off lately.”

Hen smiles sympathetically, reaches across the table to squeeze his wrist. Chim opens his mouth like he’s about to offer his patented sage advice, but he’s quickly cut off by the alarm. They rush to the truck, and Eddie feels just a bit relieved that for at least the next two hours, he’ll be humming with adrenaline rather than baseless uncertainty. He’ll forget the clouds and the rain and focus on saving lives, something he knows he can always do well.

He almost convinces himself that clouds will stay away this time.

~~~~~~~~~~

By the end of shift, Eddie’s whole body feels like lead. The last two calls of the day weren’t even remarkable, but he feels listless and slow, and he’s glad that he can basically drive home by muscle memory now, because the rain is pounding in his brain agan and it’s hard to focus on anything. As he sits in the driveway, willing his body to get up get up _get the hell up,_ he allows himself to slip for a minute. Maybe if he lets some of the rain in, briefly succumbs to the ever brewing storm, it’ll release some of the pressure and it’ll be easier to breathe. Maybe he’ll feel like himself again for the first time in weeks.

10 minutes later, and he’s pretty sure he just feels worse.

He opens the front door and is greeted by darkness and silence. Christopher is at a sleepover, and the first thing he feels when he remembers is relieved, because now he can sit in his dark living room, alone, all night, and see if he’ll feel better if he stews a little longer. Maybe he can work it out of his system in a few hours instead of a few minutes.

He also feels a little guilty that he’s glad his son isn’t around, but he can just add that to all the other bad feelings. Might as well keep fueling the fire, at this point.

As he drops his bag in the entryway, he notices that it’s actually not totally dark in his house. There’s a soft glow coming through the sliding glass doors that lead to the patio, and he’s pretty sure he hears music too now that he’s paying attention. As he makes his way outside, he’s greeted by blankets and every pillow they own set up on the lawn, pad thai containers, and his boyfriend drenched in string lights and moonlight, adjusting the speakers set up around the yard. 

Buck looks up as he hears the door slide closed, smiling brightly, and Eddie swears he can feel the rain lighten up. It’s still there, steady as ever, but the drops aren’t as heavy. Buck meets him at the door, drops a kiss on his cheek, and Eddie’s hands instinctively come up to rest on Buck’s hips.

“What’s all this?” Eddie asks as he continues surveying the yard. “I thought you were working tonight?”

Buck shrugs, his hands grabbing Eddie’s as he steers them to the pillow nest. “Ortiz got cleared for work a few days early, asked for her shifts back. Plus it’s a beautiful night, and I really just wanted to spend it with you.”

He kisses Eddie, warm and sweet, and pulls him down to sit next to him. They start to eat, chatting about everything they’ve missed since they’ve been on opposite shifts, and for a minute, Eddie can almost pretend like everything is normal, like a reset button has been pushed and he can breathe again. He always felt like Buck’s presence and love was a balm for his heart, but it’s moments like these where he’s reminded just how true that actually is.

But as they finish up, lying back and lapsing into comfortable silence, Eddie’s mind starts wandering again. All he wants to do is look at the stars, but the clouds are back, dark as ever, and he doesn’t have the strength to keep fighting them off. He just wants a minute of peace with his boyfriend, that really doesn’t seem like too much to ask.

“You wanna let me know what’s got you all huffy?” Buck asks, his fingers running through Eddie’s hair as his head rests on Buck’s chest. He thought he’d been keeping his irritation in his head. Or maybe he has, and Buck really can read his mind like Eddie’s always suspected he can.

“I’m fine,” he mumbles, and he knows it’s not convincing. Buck doesn’t press though, just kisses the crown of his head and keeps his fingers moving.

And that’s it, for whatever reason. Buck allowing him to just _be,_ not expecting him to put up a front or plaster on a smile. Letting him navigate the storm in his head on his own, silently supportive. No one else has really pried or made him talk either, but with Buck it’s different. Everything is different with Buck. Eddie knows that he can fully lean into himself and Buck won’t think any less of him or ask too much of him. And he’ll be there when he can finally articulate what the hell is going on.

Eddie shifts up, lying on his side so he and Buck are face to face. His eyes flit over Buck’s face, searching for...he’s not sure what. Just taking in the fact that he’s here for Eddie, in every way, and judging by the soft but determined look in his eyes, he doesn’t plan on going anywhere. Eddie closes his eyes, lets out a hard breath through his nose. He feels Buck’s hand come up to rest on his jaw, gentle and grounding.

“Everything just feels...bad. I feel bad. And I have no reason to feel like that, because this is the most solid my life has been in years, but that makes me feel even worse.” Buck’s thumb traces a soothing trail along his skin as he collects his thoughts. “It takes so much of me to function normally and it gets harder and harder every day. People keep asking if I’m fine and I am, I should be, but I don’t know how to say, ‘Things are going great but I still feel like garbage and I can’t stop blaming myself for not being able to be happy.’”

Buck’s hand moves down to Eddie’s waist and tugs, their bodies pressing together, his head resting on top of Eddie’s. Finally being able to put words to the noise in his brain helped, but he still feels the static at the surface of his skin, and everything still feels wrong.

“Honey, it is absolutely not your fault that you’re feeling like this,” Buck whispers as his hands start roaming up and down Eddie’s back. “As much as you try and control your emotions, sometimes we don’t get a say in the bullshit our brain makes up, and it can be hard to tell if it’s lying or not.”

Eddie sighs, feels his throat catch as he tries to talk. “I’m just tired of being mad for no reason. It’s one thing when I know specifically what’s pissing me off, but having it be everything and nothing at the same time is exhausting.”

“Then rest, baby. It’s just you and me now, you don’t have to pretend for me. I’m here for the ups and downs, no matter what.”

Eddie doesn’t know who or what blessed him with a man as good as Buck, but he’ll be paying them back until the day he dies. He’s never had someone he could fully let his guard down around, and now that he does, it’s strange and wonderful, something he hopes he never gets used to and never takes for granted.

He can’t find the words to thank Buck, so he kisses him instead. Long and slow, pouring every once of gratitude he has into it, hoping Buck feels it. He thinks he does as he feels him smile against his lips.

He takes Buck’s advice, shifting back to settle into his chest, lets his body get heavy, tries to force the tension away. Buck’s hands on his back and lips on his forehead help.

He’s not miraculously better, but he feels a little less weary. Left of center instead of all the way off course. The rain is still coming down in his mind, but Buck is there with strong arms, a warm heart, and an umbrella big enough for both of them.

He’ll always be there, Eddie knows that for sure. It makes weathering the storm a little easier.

**Author's Note:**

> am i projecting my own recent string of bad mood days onto eddie? yes! did writing this make me feel a little bit better? also yes so i'll take that W!
> 
> come yell about all the happiness edmundo diaz deserves in his life on [tumblr](https://tylerhunklin.tumblr.com/) with me!


End file.
